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| "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind." This is the first and the greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbors as yourself." All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.
-- Matthew 22:37-40
lately i have been thinking a lot again about what it means to love God and love people. i've always admired those who love people so much and put others above themselves, and i try hard to be like that as well. but again and again, i was caught in action to have wrong motivations behind all these "good" things i tried to do for others. i wasn't being nice/encouraging/taking extra steps because i truly loved them, i was doing them because it made me feel good about myself, and i craved for the expected compliments from others. and when sometimes i did not receive the expected compliments back, bitterness stirred in my mind. even worse, when others received more compliments than i did, jealousy stirred in my mind! neither of these was in line with what Jesus had taught, and ultimately, my actions were julie-loving instead of God-loving. I was merely a people-pleaser instead of a people-lover.
the word of God commands wisely that we were to love God first above all things, then as a natural expression of God-loving, we love people because God loves all people.
are my loving actions towards others true expressions of my love for God? or have I jumped to the people-loving part without being motivated by my love for God first? how much do i love myself, and how much of what i do is motivated by my love for myself?
lord, help me be rid of this love for myself. cleanse me of self-righteousness, and replace in my heart an irrepressible love for you, and then a love for your people. thank you for keeping me mindful of the ugly thoughts and wrong motivations in my mind. forgive me for the bitterness and jealousy i have allowed in my heart, and free me from them.
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| this is a private entry logged a while ago. in light of recent development in planning for next year, i decide it is appropriate to share =)
i cannot possibly suppress the excitement in my heart right now, and
the excitement is overflowing that i have to write it down somehow, and
i know it probably won't make much sense at all, but that's okay =)
o man...i love china.
for
the past few months, i've been trying to discern what to do next year.
knowing that i have a whole year off before i pursue a higher degree in
a field that is not biochemistry, the first thought that came to my
mind is to do missions in china. following the conventional way of
doing missions, i started looking into organizations that send teams
over to china, and hoping to join one that would be a good fit to me.
so i attended urbana over the winter break, and talked to many people.
somewhat to my disappointment, none of the team seemed to be a good fit
to me. in addition, a few missionaries kept pointing out to the fact i
am a chinese citizen, therefore, instead of having their organization
help me, i could totally just go by myself. that statement really
freaked me out. going by myself? are you kidding me? last summer when i
went back all alone, my faith almost died, and it was really tiring to
plan and figure out everything myself. it would be so much easier to
join a team, 'cause everything (food/housing/logistics/etc.) would
already be taken care of, and all i needed to do was to join the team
and start doing whatever they have been doing. furthermore, a
missionary from OMF specificially suggested that i should go back to my
home province Jiangxi, as opposed to anywhere in China, because the
mere fact of me returning to the poor province would show God's
compassion. upon hearing his suggestion, my first reaction was...o no,
but i wanna go somewhere pretty and cool, say, tibet, inner mongolia,
or even those provinces in northeast china where there are a lot of
cool sceneries and interesting local cultures. anywhere but jiangxi, i
thought, 'cause that was one province no one went to - you only see
people leave, but not returning - and besides i was just there last
summer. but that initial thought was soon overpowered by something
deeper in my heart, and the next moment i knew, i was shedding tears of
joy.
alright, jiangxi/rural china it is, and perhaps not
following the conventional way of doing missions. alright, i can do
those. but then what? this is only the very first piece to the whole
plan. what does god have in mind for the rest of the plan? how can i be
used most strategically to bring him glory next year? he surely has
equipped me with many unique experiences that can really be used in a
unique way: born and raised in china, speak fluent chinese, still a
chinese citizen, know the culture by heart, was in rural china last
summer, have contact information for a few rural schools in jiangxi,
received higher education in US, majored in asian studies, and
definitely have a great compassion for rural people, especially the
students.
mmmmm, what next?
coming back this semester, i
started seeking advice from as many elders as possible. i shared the
vague calling i heard from god at urbana with my paster, with
missionaries, and with other christians who are older and wiser and who
are of my age, and dang, they all seemed to be very understanding and
supportive! mmm perhaps god was confirming his calling. and when my
parents called me that one night, after being very unsupportive at
first, told me they thought it would be worthwhile to take my year off
to serve the rural people, and they would be willing to offer any help
if i needed any, i was speechless! knowing how much conflict my parents
and i had been going through, and how mad they got whenever i mentioned
god, i knew what they just told me over the phone was a miracle! not
only did god confirm his calling for me to go serve the rural people,
he also removed a huge hindrance that would possibly have prevented me
from going all together. amazing!
okay, calling confirmed. but
still, what were i really supposed to do? jesus sent his disciples out
two by two, and since it is unlikely that i would be finding a team
from here to go serve in jiangxi's countryside with me [seriously,
nobody goes there!], i'd have to find a team over there to serve with
me. mmmm, but how? it's not like there would be churches planted in
those little villages...
following the suggestion of the same
OMF missionary who made me cry (hehe =), i started attending the
chinese church starting this semester, hoping to drill my chinese
skills, particularly in learning how to share the gospel in chinese.
and two sundays ago, god brought the next piece into the picture.
kenneth, a missionary to china and the president of an NGO, came to
speak at hcc. and as he was speaking, i felt the spirit stirring inside
of me, and everything he was saying and particularly the opportunities
his organization offered made my heart jump. i waited afterwards to
speak with him. we didn't talk long but we exchanged our contact
information, planning on talking more in the future.
mmm it
seems like more pieces were being brought together. kenneth could
potentially be the next contact person. and upon exploring his
organization's webpage, i found out that they had this rural education
service program, and my heart was totally drawn to the idea of serving
the teachers to serve the rural people. how strategic! instead of
teaching merely the school kids, you teach the teachers, so then they
can go on and transform more people's lives! and instead of being a
conventional missionary (which you can't really be one in china anyway
since it is a closed country), i could use this as a great platform,
and this totally fit in with the vision and compassion i had when i
undertook the project last summer in rural china! man, god really never
wastes any experience!
so i wrote back to kenneth, expressing my
excitement and my desire to partner with his organization. at the same
time, feeling the plans were coming together a lot more, i decided to
apply for the wagoner fellowship to fund my trip next year, and after
talking with the director of fellowship, i sent out emails to three
profs for letters of recommendation. and i continued waiting for
kenneth's reply.
the deadline of the fellowship drew closer, and
the profs were waiting for my preliminary proposal, but kenneth still
had not replied.... mmmm i was starting to get uneasy. were all those i
was just so excited about not within god's plan? did my discernment go
wrong somewhere? was this supposed to be a closed door? should i not
have applied for the wagoner in the first place? doubts started to fill
my mind, and i started to lose faith, and became anxious and worried.
"do
not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and
petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. and the
peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your
hearts and your minds in christ jesus" -- philipians 4:6-7
gotta
have more faith, gotta trust more, and gotta persevere. god knows what
he's doing, and he will reveal the next piece at the right time.
so
finally, 10 days before the fellowship deadline, i wrote kenneth
another email, just to finalize whether this was still an open door.
and god answers when you persevere and do not give up. kenneth replied
back finally! he had flied back to hong kong and had been extremely
busy with his work. but once we got in touch finally, we started
emailing and exchanging ideas, and just a few hours ago, i talked with
him over the phone! he gave me several great ideas, which turned out to
be very different from my original vision. but as i was exploring the
institutions and professors he suggested, i got all excited again!
although this might turn out quite different from my original vision, i
do think his vision is much more strategic and sustainable. i might be
studying with a professor who specializes in rural education in a
higher education institution in china, and during that period of time,
take several field trips to rural china, mostly jiangxi, but other
regions as well, to collect first-hand data. both stages will provide
ample opportunities for me to meet with people on individual basis and
share the gospel with them.
yea, this looks very different from
what i originally pictured as a mission trip. but as i reflected back
on what chad parker was saying a while ago when i talked with him, i do
agree with him that the nature of missions is changing. perhaps in some
20 years or so, we'll hardly find any conventional missionaries who go
abroad to plant churches and whose major task is to speak with people
and share the gospel directly. in addition to bringing the gospel, we
as missionaries should be able to bring into a local society
contributions that are tangible and of their immediate need. and for
me, i am definitely starting to understand missions in a more mature
perspective. and although the whole picture is still not completed yet,
god has showed himself faithful enough times that i finally have enough
faith to trust that he will bring the rest together.
o lord,
please forgive me for my lack of faith. and as i walk on the path you
have paved out, help me to persevere. continue to give me wisdom and
discernment, and the confidence that i am walking in the right
direction. and lord, keep the door to where you'll have me next year
open and let no one close that door, and keep the paths where you do
not want me to walk closed so i wouldn't go those ways. and god, i lift
up all the rest of the planning to you, and just ask you'd be in the
midst of all, and that you'll sustain me as i lose some sleep in the
next few days getting the proposal ready. you've already done amazing
things in the rural regions of china, and god, if it is within your
will, provide a way for me to join in the work you've already started.
i still do not know how next year is going to turn out, but as you
bring more and more pieces together, help me to be more and more
equipped for your work. thank you for being so faithful and so amazing,
all the time. i can never praise you enough. please continue to guide
me, and in all things, have it your way. | | |
| wow it has been a craaaazy week, and it continues to be so next week. it feels like all week long i haven't really stopped doing things, and in the midst of all these craziness, i just really crave for a peace of mind from the Lord. and He has been faithful, keeping me sane, providing many little details for our dragon performance, multiplying my time, and keeping me in a positive mood. though so many times out of distress i become a beast before the Lord, He walks with me.
going to pull a second all-nighter this week. while i know for sure that on my own i will not be able to get through the next week or so, i know God is so much greater, and there's no one else i could rely on but Him.
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| i am annoyed with people who are:
- prideful
- impatient
- self-centered and talk about themselves all the time
- speak rudely, loudly, inconsiderately, and controlling-ly
- don't take the initiative to greet/smile at others, and walk around with a saddened face
- think themselves are all that
- make sarcastic comments and pick on little things other do
precisely because i am:
- extremely prideful
- extremely impatient
- self-centered and want all the attention
- speak words that are rude, inconsiderate, and hurtful
- want others to greet me first and care for me and serve me
- think i am all that and that i am better than everyone else
- notice every little things others do wrong and make condescending remarks
i can think of incident after incident when my heart is filled with ugliness, for example:
- i am annoyed at our dragon choreographer because he gets impatient once in a while. although my mouth kept shut, inside i was getting even more impatient, and thoughts of annoyance filled my mind.
- one of my friends went on and on about her applications and how this school rejected her and that one still hasn't got back to her. although i stood there and listened, impatience and annoyance burned inside.
- a friend walked by with a saddened face, and instead of asking what was wrong, my heart went "argh, what's her problem!?"
i do a good job hiding, most of the times. if only you could see what goes inside...you really wouldn't want to be my friend. i wouldn't want to be my friend.
and what's worse? i judge others all the time whenever they do something that is even slightly not aligned with my will.
and what's even worse than that? i didn't think there was any problem with me for the first 21 years of my life! i thought i was one of the nicer people you would encounter in this world, and since i have not murdered, hadn't exactly stolen (minus all those erasers i "collected" when i was little), hadn't exactly committed adultery (not to mention the incident freshman year), was most of the time nice to people (until you see what goes on inside), was willing to help others (but when they don't thank me, or pay me back in extra kindness, evil thoughts stir inside again). the list went on. but i really didn't think there was a problem. and it wasn't not like those christians were nicer anyway. and in fact, they were such weak sauce. they went to God for everything. couldn't they ever think on their own? they even came up with this term "DTR" - defining the relationship. what? how incapable were these people? how did they get into rice in the first place!?
gosh. how much longer was i going to remain blind? how much longer was i going to remain stubborn?
i was the stupid one because for so many years i didn't see what was so obviously wrong inside of me. i was the weak one for after i saw the problem, i didn't have the courage to admit it.
if i had a child, whom for 21 years refused to admit his mistakes and kept on with his obviously sinful ways, i would have disowned him. i think i really would...
but God says, julie, come to me! i have waited for you for 21 years, and today you finally came! don't worry about the past, your coming today is all that matters, and i will not only love you the way you are right now, like i had before, i will also help you to change, and only i have the power to change you from the inside, because i am God.
so i went to Him.
today i am still weak, and it's only because of God i am able to live everyday the way i do.
today i am still filled with problems, probably more so than i used to realize, actually. but i have given up trying to fix myself, for i know i am too weak to do anything. God changes me, because He is the only one who has the power to cure people's sick hearts. and as problematic as i am, i trip over all the time, even under God's supervision, but He continues to say, it's okay, julie, just stand up, and continue walking with me.
when my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, i was senseless and ignorant; i was a brute beast before you. but you are always with me, God. you hold me by my right hand. you guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.
such great is the love i have received. such great is the love i used to reject. such great is the love i really don't deserve, but it has been freely given to me by grace.
my life has been changed completely since then.
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| Then he said to his disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few. Ask the Lord of the harvest, therefore, to send out workers into his harvest field."
Matthew 9:37-38
the harvest is plentiful in the land where i was born and raised. there are so many needs - materially, educationally, spiritually, etc. - in the rural regions of china. (http://www.owlnet.rice.edu/~jliao/china) will i just donate money to support, or will i fully join in the work that has already begun in china's countryside? the kingdom is forcefully advancing whether with or without me. praise for the lord for the invitation to join!
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